Any ideas?

I have been contemplating about how am I going to be, once I’m being an adult. That must be one, complicating hardwork I’m going to bear later on. Let’s just take a look on my mom’s experience. When she was young, she hardly ever had her mom’s affection, well, actually she had it but not for so long because her mom had passed away when she was only in junior high school. Living the harsh reality of life with only 4 people left at home with no mother at all sounded too miserable for me. All I can ever think about right now is, how am I gonna bear all the pain that leaves once the one and only lady you pour all your burden to is no longer available forever?

But then she managed it all. Even with the smallest amount of money she still could took over her life and be an independent, strongest woman I’ve ever known right now. She told me that she wouldn’t expect that this would happen because back then she was just only an innocent, village girl surrounded with the people who were, frankly, categorized as the people who didn’t own money that much. And I just feel proud of her. I mean, with all the burden she had to carry she still managed to be ok and walk through her life like she had no any sadness or grief. But I know that deep-down inside, I can really guess that she was actually just used to it that from her perspective there is no use of being sad or feeling screwed up because, life, is a long journey and the ending is just a new beginning.

Back to the first paragraph. I want to be a doctor. Well, to be specific, I don’t really know whether I’m going to be a specialist doctor or not, because we all know that in order to become a doctor there has to be loads amount of money and the stationery which doctor uses is, too expensive and I’m just afraid that if I take the risk of it I’m just going to waste my mom’s money. Besides, we really need to be persevere in doing the job. My friend once told me that I’ll succeed in getting the job because she said that I have a strong determination once I’m focused to the thing I love to do, but then I realise that I think I’ll have to think it over, again.

My second choice, focusing on international relations. My mom and my sisters once agreed upon my decision because since I was in elementary school I had already put my pleasure on these 2 languages, english and french. My liking towards language arises as the time goes by. I love talking english and somehow I find myself attracted when people say something in french, not that the language commonly known as the sexiest but I just feel ok to learn more. In junior high I studied arabic from its very basic but not much of it. Now that I’m in high school, I have been studying deutsch. I thought that I’ll have been learning french by now but unfortunately it’s deutsch so I can’t do anything than patiently learning its very basic. At the other side, I don’t mind at all because I’ll gain more languages, and I love languages so I’ll cherish the slightest bit of it. But I know that if I flunk in reaching this one I’ll be fucked up. I have no idea how am I so pessimistic but my thought always wanders through the very worst side of taking decision. How am I going to cope up with life if I, myself can’t make it. Supports, motivations, optimism, where can I get you?

Third choice, my mom wants me to be an agricultural engineer, because she had been wanting to get that job ever since she was in her high school. But it failed, so she ended up being an employee. I try so hard to consider that one, but I’ve always imagined myself how am I gonna look like if I wear the doctor’s robe. That desire develops and grows incessantly and I still can’t decide which one I’m going to choose. 

Decisions, decisions.